A Football Guide to Spin your MCM
Updated: May 10
Ladies (and gentlemen), with the football season commencing our MCM’s/WCW’s are due to embark on an emotional roller coaster. I’m sure you’re sick of wondering what on earth your other half is mumbling about during a match; for the twitter lovers I can guarantee when football takes over the timeline you’re struck with both confusion and annoyance. This guide will help you to figure out with the basics, so that you can spin your MCM/WCW with some football knowledge.
Firstly, if you have friends, family, WCW’S, MCM’s that support the following premier league teams, you are in for a stressful season and here is why
Arsenal: These fans are ALWAYS stressed out. Having failed to win silverware on numerous occasions over the past couple of decades, it’s safe to say anyone that supports this team is fed up. If he/she supports Arsenal they’re a real one… until shit hits the fan. When they lose, which will be often, you’ll be in for a long night
Manchester United: With their boss Jose Mourinho losing more of his mind every day, the fans have lost faith in their manager and have reached boiling point. If Manchester City, Chelsea or even Arsenal beat them, you could either hide for an hour or two or… just hide.
Tottenham: They have 0 trophies in the bank. Arguably have one of the best squads in the league but that has never really amounted to anything. Their nick name is “we put pressure FC”, If you ever want to piss a fan off just render these words.
Liverpool: World’s most naive fans. They think they’re going to with a title this year. They won’t. Trust me. That is all.
Chelsea: They could lose 3 of their star players before the league starts. They have a completely new manager and they had failed to finish with a champions league spot last season. Oh Yeah and Reuben Loftus Cheek plays for them, so be prepared for a very envious MCM.
How many times a week can you expect football to take over their lives?
There’s a maximum 3 competitions that a premier league team could possible play in and of course the actual league. These 3 competition’s are, the Champions League/ Europa League, Fa Cup, and the Capital One Cup. The top 4 teams from the previous season will be entered into the champions league. Teams that ended in 5th, 6th and 7th position will be entered in the second tier Europa league. The rest will not be entered in these competitions however all teams will be entered in the FA cup and Capital One cup. Once all of these competitions are up and running, teams could be playing up to twice a week. Usually mid-week and the weekend.
There will be the occasional week or two where there is an international break. Trust me you’ll know it’s the international break because your MCM/WCW will actually remember to text you back. Maybe use this period to hug up on your boo, take him/her out because the roller coaster begins once their team resumes.
Click here for the full scheduled list of football matches. Plan your time to anticipate the stress that could be heading your way.
The Basics of Football
On a competitive match day, there are 18 players selected from each team. Only 11 players from each side can play during the match. Each team is permitted to have just 3 substitutes. These 3 substitutes are usually utilised in order to change the game or give another player some game time or rest.
So imagine you feel your make up looks shit. You have 3 chances to save it by applying lashes, blush and highlight. You use all these 3 products and you still look terrible! Even your studio fix plus couldn’t help bring it together. You’d be annoyed right? Thus the frustration of a football lover when their team manager makes an ineffective sub.
Positions: Here are the basic football positions… just so you get the jist.
Here is what a 4-4-2 formation looks like
Here’s what a 3-4-3 formation looks like
And Finally, the 4-3-3
Obviously, there’s the Goalkeeper: The only guy that can hold the ball. If that confuses you please stop here.
Center back: Main defender. More than often they are the heart of the defence. There are usually the 2 or 3 infront of the goal keeper doing what they can to steer danger away. They block the shots from the opposition as well as they can. You might find them up front during a set piece (free kick, throw in or corner) and more than often they find the target (the opposition’s goal) with their heads.
Some clubs use Wing Backs: In a 3-4-3 formation there is bound to be two wing backs. One on the far left of the pitch and one on the far right. These players share similarities with a winger however they are different. They are required to have stamina as they both defend and attack. If you see a guy running up and down the side of pitch like a mad man, he is most likely a wing back. Not many teams use this formation so don’t worry too much about it.
Full back: Completely different from a wing back however the obtain the same phenomenon, one on each side of the pitch. They focus mainly on defence. They block the crosses coming in & they try to narrow down danger from the attacking opposition as much as possible. These are found when there are 4 defenders at the back.
Wingers: This is an attacking midfielder. In a wide position, either left or right. They are also likely goal scorers, but their main task is to create goal scoring opportunities either by crossing into the box or when they get the chance, score goals. Examples include Sanchez, Hazard, Dele Alli, Sterling and Mo Salah. These players can also be classed as forwards, It always depends on the formation being used. In a 4-4-2 / 4-3-3 formation, it’s more than likely that these players will be played upfront with the forwards. In a 3-4-3, three players can be up front. Try your best not to get confused.
Forwards: These are your likely goal scorers. They play further up front than the rest of the team in hopes that they score. Examples would be Lukaku, Morata, Kane, Aguero and Firminho.
Okay, that was the easy stuff. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Ever wondered why your MCM/WCW goes mad when somebody is “offside”. It has to be the most annoying rule in football.
As controversial as this picture is and as a feminist supporter myself, this is the easiest way to explain it.
Get it? Once a player is in the opposition half of the pitch, they must be in or behind the line of the oppositions last man back as the ball is being played to them. If they are in front of the last man back as the ball is being played they will be flagged offside. Even if they score, it will not count and it will be a free kick to the opposition. Still don’t get it? Watch this clip of Wayne Rooney and read over the picture and this paragraph again.
Okay, Now that we have got that out of the way, lets figure out some conversation starters.
Ever just craved attention from your mcm but there’s a match on ? Yeah me too.
Ask him “Who’s playing today”. Act like you care. Once he tells you, follow it by “oh really? Who’s up front”. Spin his head ladies. Then a young “what’s the score”, “how many minutes in”. Pretend to even pick a side and say “Omg, I hope Arsenal wins, Lacazette Hatrick!”. Saying this to an Arsenal fan will put you in his good books. Literally they accept all levels of mediocrity. You don’t need to know much about football to impress them ;).
Understandably not every female has time to take an interest in football, but with these tips and basic information we can all confuse the men in our lives and make them believe we share a genuine interest; who knows maybe your interest will develop over time. Or you could just message me on socials, i’ll be more than happy to feed you with information to spin your MCM 🙂
If this isn’t for you and your MCM is a football fanatic… literally just stay cute and be there when his team let him down. At the end of the day his team can’t give you what you can give him.